Patience has left the building

There once was a time where I was known for my extraordinary levels of patience. Since I was a child I could always figure out why people behaved the way they did, and with this knowledge I was able to see situations clearly and know how to respond the appropriate way. Even as a small child I would absorb the pain of others, take it all in so that I could know how they were really feeling.
I am no stranger to personal pain either, I could actually write you pages and pages of stories that will make you hold your knees and cry.
But, I have never felt wounded by my pain. I have always used it as a tool to find the pain in others, and help them through it. I rarely get angry at people, and almost never lose my cool. I can forgive (truly forgive) almost anything as long as I understand why it was done.

I started training when I was 13. By 15 I had assisted in 4 major disaster situations... at 16 I won a national leadership award... I was the youngest American Red Cross Evacuation Shelter manager in New York State at 18, pulled dead bodies out of the water during the Flight 800 crash... Went through Marine Corps Boot Camp... and spend my entire adult life (until last year) taking care of people with severe developmental disabilities and rage disorders....
I can sit in a room with a 300lb man raging and throwing refrigerators at me and not raise my voice... I had someone scalp me, from pulling my hair so hard... and I remained stone cold calm.
Until recently...
I don't know whats changed. Others tell me its due to the physical pain I've been in. But I think that its the other way around... I think my lack of patience is the reason I am in pain. I seem to have lost the ability to manage my pain because I have lost the patience to do so. I have lost the need to repair other peoples lives, or to care enough to listen to their drama any longer. I now get angry when people expect me empathize...

I have vivid childhood memories of my mother loosing her cool... she would scream in this unearthly voice that sounded like it came from her feet... and spit would spray everywhere. I had no respect for her when she was like that... even when I was 3... and my response to her when she would loose it would be to provoke her even further, because I knew that the more she yelled at me the worse she would feel about herself later that night...I still don't know why I wanted her to feel bad... but I also always knew that it wasn't just me that was making her mad... it was my father, the bills, family issues... and such. I guess I wanted her to pay for taking it out on me... but being passive aggressive I let her torture herself.

Well I yelled like that today-

.... spit flying and all... and it may not have come from my feet, but rather from my thighs which are still burning hours later... and I am left to sit here with a throbbing reminder of my poor behaviour. How can I go my whole life with the patience to deal with anything life throws at me... and yet now a mere 3 year old can push me over the edge.

Have I just reached my threshold? Have I taken in too much bullshit, that now I can't handle any more??Will have to relearn how to function in society as someone who is emotionally blocked and impatient?? Will I return to normal, or has normal become this.

sorry for the vent.... I'm having A DAY.

Chara's Blog Challenge

5 Foods I love:

1. Bacon
2. Cheddar Cheese
3. Rare Prime Rib
4. Big Hot salty pretzels
5. Mashed Potatoes

5 Foods I HATE

1. condiments... mayo, ketchup, mustard... ew
2. cauliflower
3. raw tomatoes
4. tuna fish
5. egg salad


I have very bizarre eating habits.... and always have since I was a little tiny kid...

when I was in second grade I would only eat white food. I took bread and water to school for lunch... by choice and against my mothers wishes... that made for some interesting phone calls from school!

wii!

we had our first wii bowling league meeting last night!
it was sooooo much fun!
8 of us were playing and we made a big tournement style score board. We bowled for 5-6 hours!!!
Because we are all still childish we are making up some crazy rules too... every week the winner gets to make a new rule.

This weeks new rule is that anyone wearing the LOSER or QUEEN pins have to play servent to the Champion during the game... this will include trips to starbucks and the quik-mart, etc...

You earn the LOSER pin by making 3 errors in a row (dropping the ball, forgetting your turn, handing off the remote to the wrong person, gutter balls) You wear the pin until someone else messes up.

YOu get the QUEEN pin by bowling three splits in one game. You wear the pin until someone else becomes the splints queen or you nail the split with a strike.

We will play every week for the next 2 months... every week we all put $1 in the jar ($5 for people wearing pins at the end of the tournament)
and the over all winner will win the money :)

Our First Weeks Stats
Tournament 1 winner: Jon
Tournament 2 winner: Kat
Week One Champion: Jon
Week One LOSER: Matt :)

The dogs were bugged out by so much movement!! they're used to us all laying on the couch watching tv... not bowling in front of the tv!!

Everyone had so much fun, and it was a nice safe and healthy Saturday night activity :)

and I can't believe how sore I am today!!! I never thought I could get sore muscles from a video game!!!

Music Video:

Hurt - Johnny Cash Videos

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the new year so far...

i had these great plans for my new year... most of my resolutions were to be about my health... Quit Smoking, eat better, attempt exercise (groan!)...

yeah... none of that has happened so far.

BUT...

I've made new resolutions.

I am re-organizing my life.

All of it.

January is now cleaning month.

I have been ripping apart all my closets... packing up all the clothes that don't fit... There are a lot of clothes that don't fit... Before Griffin was born I was a size 4. Post Griffin I was a 12... which stabilized at an 8 after a year.
This year I get sick.... I'm now a 2.
So, I had clothes from size 2-12 in my closet....
I donated everything larger than a 6.

I come from a pack rat family... (on both my mother and fathers side)
I refuse to become one of them... but, you can't fight genetics.
"my crap has crap"
(that's what my mother says)

but this is the year I fight through all of that.
I am purging.... simplifying things.

My theory is that organization will bring me enough balance to tackle my health like a grown up...
because I'm not ready yet.

I started smoking when I was 12... (some of you know the significance of that age for me... and those who don't... use your imagination, it was BAD.)
I have used smoking to tackle stress my entire life...

I am afraid that if I give up my vices at this point, I won't be able to handle things the way they are... but if my life gets more organized, I should be able to focus my OCD energy on maintaining an organizational system rather than smoking...
but first, I have to write the system!

I am proud of my accomplishments so far this year though!
I have cleaned my entire bedroom and closets!! and I'm almost done with griffins room, and the Scrappygiraffe supply closet- which up until this week was my 'walk in' closet in my bedroom... but I got rid of 80% of my clothes and STUFF... SO I got a nice new closet to store all my other STUFF in!!!

***HEALTH UPDATE***
heehee...
Remember the Nasty Bacteria that was living in my stomach... the one that I needed to take all the drugs for... the drugs that made me sicker, and that i had to go into the hospital to receive them...
Yeah, well, I don't have the bacteria.
Never did.

and people wonder why I freak out when I have to go to the doctor.

So back to square one on my tummy.... and I have a colonoscopy on the 24th, along with a biopsy of the thing that's growing in my stomach...

I still have to be on the pain killers for my joint pain, and I have to go for a bone scan this week. I haven't had one in a few years so I'm sure the osteoporosis has set in by now... I tested in the severe osteopenia stage when I was 19.
After they get the test results I should be able to switch to an injection pain killer that I'll only need once a week and won't have the sedating side effects.
Dr Mc.Housecall has volunteered to do the injections ;)

Jon is back to his normal self now that the holidays are over, but, I have lost my faith in this relationship and have allowed my mind to slip into the "He's just my roommate" state of mind...

yikes. but enough about me.... How are you?