Patience has left the building

There once was a time where I was known for my extraordinary levels of patience. Since I was a child I could always figure out why people behaved the way they did, and with this knowledge I was able to see situations clearly and know how to respond the appropriate way. Even as a small child I would absorb the pain of others, take it all in so that I could know how they were really feeling.
I am no stranger to personal pain either, I could actually write you pages and pages of stories that will make you hold your knees and cry.
But, I have never felt wounded by my pain. I have always used it as a tool to find the pain in others, and help them through it. I rarely get angry at people, and almost never lose my cool. I can forgive (truly forgive) almost anything as long as I understand why it was done.

I started training when I was 13. By 15 I had assisted in 4 major disaster situations... at 16 I won a national leadership award... I was the youngest American Red Cross Evacuation Shelter manager in New York State at 18, pulled dead bodies out of the water during the Flight 800 crash... Went through Marine Corps Boot Camp... and spend my entire adult life (until last year) taking care of people with severe developmental disabilities and rage disorders....
I can sit in a room with a 300lb man raging and throwing refrigerators at me and not raise my voice... I had someone scalp me, from pulling my hair so hard... and I remained stone cold calm.
Until recently...
I don't know whats changed. Others tell me its due to the physical pain I've been in. But I think that its the other way around... I think my lack of patience is the reason I am in pain. I seem to have lost the ability to manage my pain because I have lost the patience to do so. I have lost the need to repair other peoples lives, or to care enough to listen to their drama any longer. I now get angry when people expect me empathize...

I have vivid childhood memories of my mother loosing her cool... she would scream in this unearthly voice that sounded like it came from her feet... and spit would spray everywhere. I had no respect for her when she was like that... even when I was 3... and my response to her when she would loose it would be to provoke her even further, because I knew that the more she yelled at me the worse she would feel about herself later that night...I still don't know why I wanted her to feel bad... but I also always knew that it wasn't just me that was making her mad... it was my father, the bills, family issues... and such. I guess I wanted her to pay for taking it out on me... but being passive aggressive I let her torture herself.

Well I yelled like that today-

.... spit flying and all... and it may not have come from my feet, but rather from my thighs which are still burning hours later... and I am left to sit here with a throbbing reminder of my poor behaviour. How can I go my whole life with the patience to deal with anything life throws at me... and yet now a mere 3 year old can push me over the edge.

Have I just reached my threshold? Have I taken in too much bullshit, that now I can't handle any more??Will have to relearn how to function in society as someone who is emotionally blocked and impatient?? Will I return to normal, or has normal become this.

sorry for the vent.... I'm having A DAY.

Chara's Blog Challenge

5 Foods I love:

1. Bacon
2. Cheddar Cheese
3. Rare Prime Rib
4. Big Hot salty pretzels
5. Mashed Potatoes

5 Foods I HATE

1. condiments... mayo, ketchup, mustard... ew
2. cauliflower
3. raw tomatoes
4. tuna fish
5. egg salad


I have very bizarre eating habits.... and always have since I was a little tiny kid...

when I was in second grade I would only eat white food. I took bread and water to school for lunch... by choice and against my mothers wishes... that made for some interesting phone calls from school!